Janet bit her lip and gazed at her image on the computer screen. Everything appeared in order. She’d spent thirty minutes selecting her shirt, forty minutes brushing her hair, and ninety minutes preparing her background. She worked her way through multiple lighting options to get her face looking honest and flattering. The camera was angled at twenty degrees above her eye line; enough to stretch her neck and give her jaw more definition. She picked books by authors like David Ogilvy, Steve Jobs and Sun Tzu for the shelves. On her desk, she symmetrically laid out her phone, noted pad, and pen selection.
She logged into Zoom one minute before the hour, aiming for punctuality with a hint of eagerness. To her surprise, all three other attendees were already deep in conversation.
“Ah, Janet. I’m glad you could join us,” said Anton, Team Leader for the group. Anton had a Peace Lily behind him on a white sideboard. Inspired, Janet thought.
“Sorry, I thought we were starting at eleven,” Janet said.
“Janet, you’re on mute.”
“I thought we were starting at eleven.”
“The meeting starts at eleven. But the pre-meeting started at quarter to.” Anton pursed his lips.
“Pre-meeting? That wasn’t in the calendar was it?”
“Why would it be in the calendar?”
“So that we know it’s happening?”
“That’s why we have the meeting booked in.” He pushed his red Gucci frames up his nose.
“Oh, so when we have an alignment call, I should expect a pre-meeting session fifteen minutes beforehand?”
“Correct. Unless we also need a huddle before the pre-meeting.”
“Huddle. How will I know about that?”
“If it’s ahead of a client briefing or internal kick-off then we’ll have a huddle. It’s all on our team wiki page. This should have been onboarded to you during the HR briefing.”
“Right, okay. Thanks.”
Janet put herself on mute and sighed.
“Apologies for that temporal misalignment,” Anton said. “Let’s keep tracking. Mag, can you give us a rundown of where things are up to?”
“Sure, Anton. Thanks for the run-up.” Mag had an artwork behind her that depicted two leopards dancing around a naked woman on a rubber Lilo. Modern art, Janet thought – that’s what I need.
“Beflux is pulling away from the station on time, so all good there,” Mag said. “Anderson is rampant after the kick-off last week, but no actions needed yet. SSRO have requested actionable analytics from their latest campaign, so they can apply learnings to next quarter’s planning.”
“Analytics – already? They’re really reaching for the low-hanging fruit, aren’t they?” Anton opened a yoghurt pot.
“Oh, they’re adamant they want their ideation basket to be full.”
The other guy on the call – his profile name just had the letter F – unmuted himself. “SSRO are broadening their skills matrix on this one. Should we be concerned?” A series of electric guitars hung on the wall behind F. Too much, Janet thought.
“Good reflect, F,” Anton said. “Should we, Mag?” He wiped yoghurt from the side of his mouth.
“Should we what, Anton?”
“Oh lord, Mag, keep up. Be concerned.”
“Edvard says it’s standard biz,” she replied. “But maybe we should take this offline.”
“Yes, let’s,” Anton said. “We need to solutionize. I want a methodology in place so we can anticipate the game plan.”
“I figure we’re on a three-way street,” F said.
“That’s a definite non-untruth, F. ”
“Okay,” Mag said. “I’ll make a note to do that. Shall I continue?”
Anton signalled to her with his yoghurt-covered teaspoon.
“Ferris at Morando has indicated they have opportunities for us in Q3.”
“Which one is Ferris?” Anton asked.
“Big guy with the ‘brows,” Mag said. “Wore a lemon suit to the congress last month.”
“Oh right,” Anton said. “Funny guy. Huge hands. What kind of opp do you think they have?”
“You know – the usual – synergy pilots, pivot waves, agility deep-dives. I’ll chat to him later this week when I have more bandwidth.”
F was getting visibly excited. “Morando is hot right now, Anton. Mag, shout if you need any input from me. It’s worth brainstorming some ideas. We might need to punch the puppy on this one. Morando could make or break our bottom line in H2. So much scope, I’m frothing.”
“Okay, put it away,” Anton said grinning. “Is that everything Mag?”
“Yes, for now. I can update again on Wednesday when I hear back from Champer.”
“I forgot about that old biscuit. Is our imaginer friend still reaching for the moon fruit?”
“Let’s just say that if she fails, then she is not as unsuccessful as she might have tried to be.”
“Damn right,” F said, and Anton laughed.
“I think that is the terminus of our pre-meeting,” Anton said. “Are we all aligned so that we can move on to the meeting phase of the meeting?”
“Yes, aligned,” Mag said.
“Fully aligned,” said F.
Janet fidgeted and she unmuted herself.
“Sorry, Anton. Where can I access this information?”
F looked away horrified. Mag’s eyes widened. Anton’s head dropped.
He looked up and spoke. “This organisation is made up of crocodiles and guppies. Which one are you, Janet?”
Her legs trembled under the desk. “I’m a croc–“
Mag shook her head and Janet stopped.
“I’m a guppy?”
Anton smiled. “Good. You’re a guppy. Swim around and soak yourself in the insights until you ingest them. Let them swirl around inside. Integrate them into your DNA, into your soul. Then, in the next pre-meeting, you’ll be ready to share in our journey.”
“Okay…” Janet looked over her notes and bit the inside of her cheek. “So, I…”
“Swim around in the insights; soak up the knowledge. Am I translucent?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?” Anton’s smile fell from his face like a rock from a bridge.
“Yes, you’re translucent, Anton.”
“Great, now that we’re all aligned, let’s start the meeting.”
Janet put herself on mute again and made a note on her pad.
I AM A DOOMED GUPPY.
